Random Thought

 For some people, maybe 2020 isn't a good year. There were too many bad surprises that force us to change our life and habit. But it wasn't work for me.  2020 means something. At this year, luckily i reached my long-term plans one by one unconsciously. Things that i never imagine it will come true. Things that i think it'll be just a plan without realization. But well, Alhamdulillah, i achieved it.  At the beginning of 2020, i promised to myself to love & prioritise myself than anyone else. I promise to not waste my time for something unimportant anymore. And those things that made me stronger day by day. I don't want to dependent on someone, and i did it. At least, i didn't force something that it shouldn't be mine, anymore. I learned to let go something that shouldn't be mine sincerely. Lot of things happened this year and i'm blessed i already at this point this year. I'm blessed. And i'm grateful for everything that i have right now. Than...

a year ago, i adore someone bcs the way he recited the holy Quran. i adore the way he recited Ar-Rahman cs it made my soul calm. and since of that, i prayed to God, i said i wanted him.  in every corner of Medina & Mecca, i always mentioned his name in my prayer. well, i know it might looked stupid cs how can a little girl prayed for someone to be her future while she didn't exactly know who is he. but it happened to me. and even after go back home, i still always mentioned his name in my prayer cs nothing else i can do but pray and tell Him what i feel.  well, i believe His plan never goes wrong til one day, i got a news that he wanted to start a new life. it was a lil bit broke my heart, i know. but i wont force something that wasn't meant for me. maybe God has another plan for me. or maybe, he wasn't worth enough for me. well, i still believe that His plan is a best plan, ever. so i changed my prayer. if he really wasn't meant for me, i'm sincerely and totall...

Hai. It's been a long time. How are you? How was your day? Is it pretty good?  Well, im kinda miss you but i know i shouldnt. It's like i want you but you cant, so i choose to let you go cs i cant force yourself to love me. I choose to let you go not because i want to, but i should to. I just dont want to disturb you anymore. And i think i already did my best. I already tried my best to accompany you in your sadness. I already tried my best to listen all of your stories. I already tried my best to make a prove that you deserve someone better. And it's done. My duty has been done.  I think this is my time to make myself happy. I think i should focus on myself first before taking care another person. Cs at last, i just have myself thru all of my ups and downs.  So, see you! have a great day. No matter how bad your life is, i believe you can through it all. As i said before, if we are meant to be, so we will.  Best regards Nanda

i've been escape for a long time, and i need a home. i dont need anyone else, i dont need another kind of fckn business anymore, cs all i need is; you i've been too long to running & explore, to find my ownself, to find existences, and it's enough. all i need is just to take a rest, in my one & only sweetest home i dont need anyone else, cs i already got everything, when im with you. i know it still hard for you to heal, but i'll stay, i'll wait, til you realize, that i'm the only one who will be there for you, who always listen to all of your stories so, would you fight, stay, and be my last home, honey?

Do you know what the most romantic thing is? Keep and pray for each other in a silence. - I don’t know what kind of relation is this, but i’m very grateful. Im very grateful for everything that i have right now. Altho I don’t know who am i for him, but all i know is; i’m happy, and im glad to have him, as a friend. - Perhaps the most approriate word that i feel right now is; enough. Know he is fine is enough, Do a deep talk with him is enough, Have a great time to talk with him is enough, Argue and yell each other is also enough. No romantic things, no chat everytime, but i feel enough and blessed. Bcs i know no matter how hard the situation is, no matter how desperate is he, he already know what should he do. He already know the place he can calm his mind. And it makes me relieved. At least i know he already pray for the best. So, no matter how's our ending, i know that’s the best plan from God to us. If we are meant to be, there’ll be t...

terlalu terang menjadi hitam,  terlalu gelap menjadi putih terlalu menyayat untuk dipertahankan,  terlalu menyenangkan untuk ditinggalkan abu-abu, kamu tau? Yes. i don't even know who am i for you, how do you feel, what do you think about me, cause all i know is; you are fine.. (without try to understand what i really feel) are we just friend? are we in a process of getting close? or, am i just your medicine in your darkness? will i be forgotten, if you already heal? idk. this is too risky, i know.  but i still let you to come in. i open a chance for myself to getting hurt  -altho i hope it wont. well, you are too good to be true and maybe im just dreaming right now im dreaming if you'll fall in love no one knows or, should i give up?

hey, how many times you already said to yourself,  "You don't deserve it. You deserve something better. Don't cry for something unimportant." or, "Just let everything happened. There must be a rainbow after this pain. You just need to forget everything, as usual." also,  "Don't sad. It just waste your time. You deserve to be happy. Look at the outside, the other happiness is waiting for you, dude." Well, It's good to keep thinking positive, i know. It's good to think that everything will be okay. But then, there must be a day while you think, "shit. im tired to do this fckn thing. where is my rainbow? why it feels so nauseating and has no ending?"  There must be a day while you are exhausted pretending like you are strong enough to face everything by yourself, while the fact is no. and that's really not insane. It's okay, to be not okay. We are human. Sometimes, all you need is just t...

Well, terlalu banyak berita kesedihan yang aku terima hari ini. Kesedihan yang mungkin menurut orang lain adalah kabar baik, but not for me. Cs everything just reminded me how happy and how hurt i was a few year ago, when everything still very-very fine and dramatically change in one day. Hahahah maaf ya lagi menye banget. apalagi ditemenin sama lagu-lagu mas pamungkas, hadeu. bercampurlah seluruh kerandoman hari ini. gapapa deh. mungkin Allah lagi rindu dengerin curhatan gadis kecilnya ini. Namanya hidup, lagi-lagi, satu hal yang seringkali luput adalah; jangan pernah berharap sama manusia. Iya paham, pasti akan sangat challenging. Tapi kalo nggak siap untuk dikecewakan dengan ekspektasi, ya jangan berharap. Sesimpel itu sebenernya. Cuma realitanya emang simple isn't easy, right? Hmm.  *take a deep breath* Gapapa, gapapa. Larutin aja kesedihannya hari ini, tapi besok harus bangkit lagi ya? Semangat! That's life. Apapun yang terjadi, we must prepare for the...

It isn't too late to say hello to our new year, right? So, Hi. Maaf, baru sempat. Sekembalinya dari rumah Allah, sangat berat rasanya bagi raga dan otak untuk dipaksa langsung kembali ke realita; mengejar ketertinggalan ujian dan mata kuliah tanpa jeda baginya untuk beristirahat sejenak. Sangat letih memang rasanya. Jangankah membuka buku, bangkit dari kasur saja rasanya sulit sekali. Memerlukan niat yang sangat besar untuk memfokuskan diri benar-benar belajar dan memahami isi buku. Namun itu resiko, bukan? -- Bisa berkunjung ke Mecca dan Madina di penghujung hingga awal tahun merupakan hal yang sangat luar biasa bagiku. Banyak sekali hal baru yang dapat aku ambil, dan rasa-rasanya, masih banyak sekali kekurangan dan kesalahan yang seringkali aku perbuat dengan sadarnya dan tanpa rasa bersalah sedikitpun. Kala itu, pukul 16.30 di Masjidil Haram, Ust. Syatori menjelaskan perihal dosa yang kita perbuat dengan mengibaratkan kucing yang mencuri ikan di dapur. Tentu ketika men...

Selamat malam, Yogyakarta. Nggak kerasa, ternyata lagi-lagi kita sudah berada di penghujung taun aja, ya? Apa kabar resolusi diri yang 'katanya' harus diraih taun ini?  Berapa banyak kata 'nanti' yang telah kau tanamkan di dalam diri hingga akhirnya kata 'nanti' itu masih tetap sekedar menjadi nanti yang belum terealisasikan? Gapapa, it's okay, dude. Mungkin, masih banyak resolusi yang belum bisa teraih di taun ini. Karena tidak selamanya hidup akan berjalan sesuai dengan keinginanmu, bukan? Dan, memang life is hard & it's about how you solve the problem and survive when everything isn't alright. But you know, this life isn't just about target and how much you reach it.  Hidup ini bukan melulu tentang kerja-kerja-kerja. Sometimes, you just need to take a rest, and ask to yourself, "Apasih yang selama ini dikejar? Untuk apa?" Jangan-jangan, kesibukan yang selama ini kau lakukan hanyalah pelarian semata. Jujur, untuk bis...

Do you know what's the worst feeling ever? It's about feeling unwanted and alone; like no one cares about your existence. Ada atau tidaknya dirimu sama saja. Tidak dianggap. Dan tidak berarti. Seringkali aku terdiam, bukan berarti aku tidak apa-apa. Aku terdiam karena aku ingin membiasakan diri untuk berdamai dengan diriku sendiri. Untuk selalu tenang dan menerima keadaan agar tidak bergantung pada siapapun.  Struggle with my ownself maybe a best way. -just me & myself- It's okay, i'm fine and i understand. Memang sudah kodratnya orang-orang akan pergi dengan kesibukannya masing-masing, bukan? Sudah kodratnya, orang-orang akan berubah dan menjauh karena suatu hal yang tidak bisa dijelaskan. It's hurt, i know. Melihat satu per satu orang terdekat meninggalkan, dan asik dengan dunia barunya. But this life isn't always about you. Antara kau dan mereka, semua tidak ada yang salah. Ini hanyalah perihal waktu. Karna lambat laun, semu...

Semenjak adanya kata 'bucin', kata romantis semakin dilupakan. Hal indah menjadi seolah-olah hina karena sebutan itu. Budak cinta, katanya. Padahal, bisa saja mereka-yang menyebut seseorang bucin- hanya iri dengan mereka yang dapat mengekspresikan rasa cintanya kepada yang terkasih, menghabiskan waktu bersama untuk bercanda, dan berbahagia seolah dunia hanya milik berdua.  Mereka yang menyebut bucin, bisa jadi mereka hanya tidak rela karena kawan yang biasa menghabiskan waktu bersama mereka kini telah berubah tidak lagi menghabiskan waktunya bersama mereka karena telah memiliki kekasih baru. Dan mereka, yang menyebut kami bucin, bisa jadi dari hati terdalamnya, sebenarnya mereka juga ingin memiliki kekasih yang bisa mengisi kekosongan dan kehampaan hati selama ini. Naif, kalau mereka bilang tidak butuh. Mungkin belum, bukan tidak. Perihal menjadi budak cinta, setiap orang memiliki prioritas dan cara mengekpresikan kebahagiaannya masing-masing. Tidak perlu dirib...

Period selalu membuat saya bersedih tanpa sebab yang jelas. Seringkali saya merasa begitu banyak hal yang sebenarnya ingin saya bagi. Tapi lagi-lagi, saya merasa tidak akan ada yang peduli dan mendengarkan. Sudah lama rasanya saya berbagi cerita, berkeluh kesah dengan seseorang yang memang benar-benar peduli dan mau meminjamkan kedua telinganya bahkan pundaknya untuk sama-sama berbagi dan tertawa bersama dalam jangka waktu yang lama. Akhir-akhir ini, seringkali rasa insecure saya muncul dan membuat saya menyalahkan diri saya sendiri. Kegagalan tentu penyebabnya. Mulai dari ditinggalkan tanpa kejelasan, dibohongi, dihianati, diduakan, saya pernah merasakan semuanya. Dan, begitu banyak pertanyaan tak terjawab yang selalu menggantung di otak saya, memenuhi pikiran saya dan membuat saya merasa bukanlah apa-apa dan jauh dari kata sempurna. Seringkali saya berfikir, apa salah saya? Dosa apa yang pernah saya buat hingga saya mengalami kegagalan yang tidak henti-hentinya? Rasa-rasanya, sa...

This is 17th of August, 2019. My alarm rang at 8.00 am. Today, i must go to campus to do a duty - maklum, budak proker. I woke up, took a bath, wore my clothes, and i looked myself in the mirror. This day, i dare myself to not use makeup. So, i decide to only use sunblock, a little powder, and nude lipstick as a balm. I wore my hijab, and i looked my self in the mirror again, then i smile. Surprisingly, i even feel very confident. And i said to myself, 'hey, you even pretty without your make up, baby.' Your beauty shine not from your bold makeup now. You are beauty because who you are. I love my self. And i fallin in love with myself more and more.

Akhir-akhir ini, lagi banyak banget orang yang ngomongin perihal, "Perempuan yang berskincare, emang mau diajak hidup susah?" Pada dasarnya, secara realistis, siapa sih yang mau hidup susah? Apalagi ketika memang sudah terbiasa untuk hidup berkecukupan dan orang tua pun memberi fasilitas yang sangat layak. Awalnya, saya selalu berfikiran, 'no, im not picky. Semua pria bisa saja dekat dengan saya selama memang dia serius dan pria baik-baik.' But time flies, and everything has changed. Dunia perkuliahan jauh berbeda dengan kehidupan sebelumnya bagi saya. Kenyataannya, saya tidak lagi bisa menerapkan prinsip itu dalam dunia perbucinanku. Why? bcs im feelin higher so i've standard yang mana menjadikan saya merasa lebih dari yang lain dan menjadikan saya sangat pemilih.  One day, my friend said to me about her principle to choose a man yang mana pada intinya adalah dengan melihat kendaraan terlebih dahulu. Lalu muncul pendapat-pendapat semacam 'kita ng...

Time flies, and i'm still mine. Maybe it's my fault, to be easy to be attached with someone It's my fault; to be easy to give my heart, And at last, it just broke my heart again and again. Loyalty and commitment feels very bullshit on me Promises are just promises that haven't means anymore I often thingking, what's wrong with myself? why people being so wicked? aren't they have heart? so, why? why are they lie and leave without permission? I kept thingking about that in my late night But i never got the answer Because maybe, the problem is not on me. It's them. And thing that i learned is; "Just because someone leave you or even doesn't want you, doesn't mean that you're not worth it and good enough. Because sometimes, the problem is on them; not you." "You're just not found the right person yet now. But always believe, there will always be a rainbow behind a pain. Make your fail...

Hi again! Blogger is still and always be a best place for me to tell about everything that i feel & i think about. I write this in the middle of my holiday when i do my paper but i can't focus because.... hey, i'm bored, and i need something for relaxation & being chill because it's so boring to stay at home all day, or maybe, i just need a friend to tell about. Sometimes, i just dont understand with myself. Why it feels so hard to accept someone to myself and being comfort with him when he already accept all of my imperfections. I'm so done to find anymore, tbh. I'm so tired to start everything from zero. But again and again, when i try to start again, everything failed at last. Or maybe i am the one that will leave him. Everything feels so grey for me. It's a bullshit that i don't need someone as a place to tell about. Yash, i need. I need someone to talk about everything randomly. I need to go out, traveling, and get lost together to ...

Have u thanks to yourself today? Thanks to always be the strongest one when everybody just underestimate you Thanks to keep being nice to everyone when everything feels nauseated Thanks for everything that you have done for this time And thanks for fighting to survive even when you don't want to One thing that you must realize is; You did good, babe. It's okay that people might insult you Not everyone will agree and like you That's life, right? But you know what's the best for you And everything that you have decide, you know better than them -the benefit & the risk- Just let it Stop hurting yourself by thingking what others think about you As i said before, All you did was good enough You are who you are, not like what other people said And you deserve better You deserve better all the good things, And dont for a second think you're not worth it I'm proud of you And always Best Regards, Nanda

It's been a long time since i write the last time. And i'll keep to write anything -unimportant & random thing- in here. I know i still have a lot of mistakes. So, for u guys that read this, gracias! Terimakasih telah meluangkan waktu untuk membaca curhatan & tulisan-tulisan saya yang mungkin ga penting & enjoy!